house
[Music]
all right well hello everybody my name
is Greg and this particular presentation
is going to be about 50 minutes I'm a
Storyteller now because of the lights I
can't really see very well I present a
lot
um and you I won't share the bio if
you're an older person like I know
you're an older person we talked about
that last night uh just tell them Rodney
danger feels don't read all the bio
stuff but um I I guess if there's
anything interesting about me I did a
lot of work with um Ukrainian soldiers
and their psychologists and moral trauma
I do a lot of I do a lot of this stuff
at Sandy Hook and some of those things
so we're going to talk about taking care
of you now this may not relate
specifically to exactly what it is you
do because some of you work in cyber
security other of you may work in other
capacities but you know which which is
an interesting world to me because we
need you so I'm going to walk around
that's kind of my style normally you're
lucky I'd be down there and I'd be
picking on people I'll pick on you
anyway so we're going to get started I'm
going to tell you a story though for us
to get started
imagine now I'm old enough to remember
when I was a little kid that there was a
powder detergent called does and does
detergent I don't think they even make
it anymore but I want you to imagine a
small town like you know Mayberry you
know where Saturday morning kid goes
down you know it's a grocery store it's
got wood floors and stuff stacked up to
the ceiling okay and then this kid goes
in on a particular Saturday and
everybody knows everybody small town
and he picks up a box of detergent
rather than getting some snacks
and he goes up to the clerk no the clerk
knows a family
and he said are you running an errand
for your mom and dad you know to to do
laundry this weekend he said no sir I
want to wash my dog with it
and the clerk said what you want to wish
your dog with laundry detergent
and he said son that's that's pretty
harsh it was not intended to wash your
dog with
and and the little boy thought for a
minute he said sir I'll be really
careful I really will you know I'm
trying not to get in his eyes or
whatever
so about a week goes by and a little boy
comes back and same Clerk's working that
day this time he comes in for a treat
but the little boy looks kind of sad
and the clerk remembers the kid that he
came in to get that powdered detergent
and he said Hey kid you're the one that
um you're the one who bought that
detergent to wash your dog with aren't
you
he said yeah he said How's your dog
doing
and little boy thought for a minute
and then he said sir I'm really sorry to
tell you this but my dog died
he died and the clerk said son I'm
really sorry to hear that but didn't I
tell you
that detergent was pretty strong stuff
and he thought for a second but then he
said you know I don't think it was a
detergent that killed him
I think it was a rinse cycle
now that's called dark humor you're
supposed to laugh when I teach cops and
first and firefighters they get it they
think oh this is good I like that you
know usually it's a grown but here's the
point there's a point to this story
and the work that you do
when you've had a really bad day a
really bad shift really bad I guess week
or month or whatever you ever feel like
you've gone through the rent cycle that
you kind of rung out
yeah that's that's what we're telling a
story let's get going so we got to cover
a whole lot of stuff here in just a
short period of time so it's going to be
Smorgasbord I don't believe in Death by
PowerPoint but I will try to kind of
elaborate on some of these points
those who work in cyber security you
have to deal with be vigilant all the
time with constant threats of cyber
attacks I'm sure over the next couple of
days you guys have covered some of that
stuff and and and I certainly appreciate
those of you who do this
you have to keep up with the constantly
changing evolving technology it's
amazing how quickly technology changes
you have to deal with a lack of
resources sometimes and sometimes not
having enough staff
you may have to do more with less
resources I mean what what agency or
what profession doesn't these days right
okay you have to to work long hours and
I've got that underlined and a workload
of cyber Security Professionals can be
demanding you have to navigate all that
stuff I don't understand
um Ever Changing legal and Regulatory
Landscapes and you must balance security
with ease of use for the people like me
you know who have to use this technology
you have to say instead of step ahead of
the attackers you carry heavy
responsibility for ensuring
the sensitive data and and any breaches
or losses of data can be can have
disastrous consequences all right so
this is a gregism this next thing you
see here
has anybody ever told you you're full of
it
huh you're probably thinking hey you're
full of it aren't you well you know what
we're full of
we're full of stress
but the Paradox is this the same time we
are full of stress sometimes up to here
we're empty have you ever tried pouring
from an empty cup
have you
ever run an empty you can't pour out of
an empty cup can you or to put out
another way do you recharge your devices
as frequently as you recharge yourself
I want you some things to think about
if we could put stress on a scale
in critical incident stress management
one of the things we talk about is
homeostasis on the one hand the one you
see tilting way down there in your
picture is imagine that that's the
distress side so you've had a really
stressful day a lot of stressful stuff
and you keep adding to that scale
on the other side is is an actual word
it's called eustress that's the playful
stuff that we need to do to take care of
you
but we don't do a very good job of that
sometimes we get busy or we get tired we
go home we eventually go home and you
just don't feel like I don't want to go
for a walk I don't want to go for Howard
is you work out do whatever you do so
that homeostasis is so important so
we're going to talk about stress a
little bit and how it accumulates we're
going to talk about burnout all those
things all right so stress reactions
they're basically this these are the
categories we look at for for the how
stress affects us so let me ask you a
question here let's just look at the
physical one first physical stress
how do you know physically in your own
body that you're stressed anybody here
get migraines
yeah when you're stressed yeah
correlation isn't there some people get
GI issues I've got ulcerative colitis I
have to be really careful nearly killed
me nine years ago yeah
so you know and I deal with you know a
lot of tragedy and stuff like that so
cognitively how it affects how we think
so if you know we're not taking care of
ourselves we're under a lot of stress
blood ain't flown to this part of the
brain as much
and I can tell you a lot of stories when
I do a lot longer trainings emotionally
you're going to be more irritable we're
more irritable more cranky I'm going to
use an old-fashioned word called cranky
remember cranky when you're cranky
you know we we we're we're more cranky
with the people we work closely with or
our loved ones at home
so sometimes we have to create that
buffer
and spiritually how it affects us in
terms of our relationship with our
creator however you did you know however
that happens to be for you okay now uh
one of my exercise forms is something
called rucking it comes out of military
world but it's carrying a weight pack
um but um you know and walking as fast
as I can you know but only do it two or
three times a week because I've got
arthritis has come to reside my body and
I don't like him residing there too much
so but I imagine imagine you given when
you're born a backpack it's your life
backpack that's to be filled with life
experiences
and you go along life's path it's
Journey it's sacred journey I like to
refer to it
and there's rocks along the way it's not
always a smooth path and each of those
rocks represents something stressful so
it's like dramatic
small rocks you know some all stressful
things so you go along and you take and
something happens and it's stressful you
put that rock at your pack but you don't
take it out and you go along a little
further and you find something even
bigger something you have to deal with
and you still haven't dealt with it in
in terms of you know trying to
compensate for it and you put that in
the pack but you keep adding these rocks
in your life pack and pretty soon
those things start to weigh you down
they weigh you down psychologically
what's that
yes
yes very much so but cumulative stress
could lead I don't know if you knew this
the stress May accumulate just like I
was talking about here can lead to
what's called complex PTSD I like to
refer to ptsds in a different way now
we're trying to change the terminology
rather than calling a post-traumatic
stress disorder because of the first
responder world there's such a stigma
attached to it and getting help
post-traumatic stress injury
from what you do what you're exposed to
you can die of a death of a Thousand
Cuts very easily self-stress
accumulation it kind of looks like that
you know using your ounces and pounds
thing I mean how can you imagine those
Boulders holy smokes it can lead to this
I don't have to tell you what that is do
I burn out let's talk about burnout
okay this is where I'm going to spend a
little more time I want you to kind of
in your mind check each of these
categories if you've been there or if
you are there right now
okay
locket control is one of the factors
over decisions affecting your job such
as schedule and workload
unclear on job expectations sometimes
those things change how much Authority
are controlled you have over your job
dysfunctional workplace diamonds I I'm
sorry folks I can't do anything about
that you know because sometimes you work
in a toxic environment because I've had
people come up to me at conferences I
speak at and they say yeah could you do
anything about my boss or whatever I
mean you know that was unfortunately I
do a thing on resilient leadership too
and what that looks like extremes of
active activity going from quiet I don't
know if we probably I know if you guys
any of you in your world ever know what
it's if you're ever bored I mean it's
okay okay I see a head nodding I can see
head knotting but sometimes you can go
from being bored to all of a sudden it's
hitting the proverbial fan
and you know down back and forth back
and forth and not like going zero to a
hundred that that's not too good on the
human body you know that can really burn
us out
um per balance between personal life and
work
long hours over time depending if you've
got something bad that you got to deal
with you've got a problem you gotta you
gotta solve
uh okay now questions have you ever been
cynical or critical at work
I caught the big c word who here is more
cynical than you were before
wow I only thought that was in a cop
World okay do you ever drag yourself to
work and have trouble getting started
even if it's in your home
okay
do you have you find yourself becoming
irritable or impatient with co-workers
with your family or citizens you deal
with you know who gets that a lot 911
dispatchers they they because they
really need that actionable information
and you know when they go home they act
the same way
do you like the energy to do your best
on the job I think probably all of us
can say yeah do you find it hard to
concentrate sometimes do you lack
satisfaction in your achievements
at times
do you feel disillusioned about your job
ever
are you using food drugs or alcohol to
either self-medicate or simply numb out
have you have your sleep habits changed
who here gets more than eight hours of
sleep a night
who here averages five or six hours of
sleep on a good night
okay see I'm with you I'm with you I get
it
um
so sleep habits are you troubled by
unexplained headaches stomach or bowel
issues of course we talked about that
already or the physical complaints
consequences of burnout excessive stress
fatigue you know and insomnia but but
darn it we don't recharge ourselves so
more consequences of job burnout
sadness anger irritability
the alcohol abuse or substance abuse can
lead to heart disease because stress can
kill high blood pressure type 2 diabetes
and also a compromised immune system
making you more vulnerable
to illness and by the way if anybody
wants a PDF of the slides if I go too
fast because we got like 51 slides in 50
minutes but you know so
now we're going to move from that into
this this next piece I think that really
in some ways kind of uh was prompted you
know the conversation that Michael had
with me when something happens
to one of you
or somebody you work with somebody
you're close to could be somebody you
know you're in a relationship with
whatever the case may be this next
section is going to be about complicated
grief and loss okay
all right
you are a family your community what's
interesting I mean you talk about
Villages and stuff I mean it gets a
sense of like this whole tribal thing
you know I I get that I understand that
because you have your own culture
believe it or not police has its own
culture firefighters have their own
culture and so on and so forth and
there's a word for that it's not in my
slides it's called Mutual fluency you
speak the same language you know and I
feel honored
privileged to be able to kind of
hopefully present something that's
meaningful or resonates with you okay
what so you get to know each other
because the work you do collectively
makes your family and what affects one
of you although it may not be physically
present affects everybody
so when one of you dies
unfortunately it sends out ripples to
the entire Community it does and a
sudden unexpected loss of someone
in your community
complicates the very grieving process
you experience so let's get into that a
little bit
complicated grief and loss
I did some of this in Ukraine but it was
titled complicated grief and loss in war
can result in disbelief
shock obviously
I'm feeling numb wanting to numb out
flashbacks the Shoulda Woulda coulda's
now I've got morally and jury's
experience there
if for instance somebody has taken their
own life unfortunately and you you kind
of kick yourself if you're close to that
person or persons
and you think I shouldn't I should how
come I didn't see this this Shoulda
Woulda coulda's and that can be morally
injurious like you feel like you've let
them down or other people down so the
anger and guilt
a loss of meaning
all of these things so this part is not
fun I'm sorry you know but it's
important it's important stuff so
bereavement and when we're dealing with
something like this can leads obviously
denial disbelief confusion sadness of
yearning to be reconnected or for things
to return the way they were anger
humiliation even Despair and guilt
and obviously depression
another some more impacts how it affects
us you know all the stress ways
physically emotionally behaviorally and
spiritually now I get a question for all
of you because I talked to you about the
stress scale we talked about complicated
grief and loss we'll talk a little more
about that I've got a lovely lovely it's
almost a poem that will conclude that
piece with and then end with some things
we do to take care of ourselves but I
got a question for you
how do you unplug from the job
what do you do to play anybody care to
share just shout it out what do you do
to play
hiking Peter yes there you are hiding
from me you know I recharge more for the
seats in the back
anyway hiking yeah that's good
so I on the book I'm working on
sometimes I just got to go for a walk or
a hike or some rock or something how
about anybody else what do you do
uh-huh so try to put neutral or
something right
for as long as you can that precious
space anybody else got something
different yeah what do you do
what
okay
all right
very good and I saw another hand back
here shout them out don't be shy
what's that
piano
cool I love it all right so what else
okay very good
yes
what
imagine
is that what you said
I heard you're right good I got it I got
a hearing loss in this side of my head
but so when I was talking to Peter
earlier he was on that side so I heard
him no I heard everything you said Peter
okay but we have to do some things to
balance out that stress okay so some
more things about dealing with sadness
or loss how we can do with it first this
is set the parameters here people grieve
for many different reasons
you know and and sometimes if we don't
grieve or do the grief work you know we
may be carrying grief over from a
previous loss
some examples would be a loved one A
co-worker a pet a beloved public figure
a leader or a mentor
um you know it could be a life role such
as a career change we grieve a lot of
those kinds of things I think people
down in you know like in in Rolling Fork
uh in um you know in Tennessee you know
I mean there's loss of life they're
grieving the loss of their town is
almost non-existent I mean lots of
different kinds of ways when you look
through that lens uh loss of physical
ability not being able to do what you
used to do
other symptoms okay feeling deeply angry
about the deaths or loss of somebody how
could they do this to me
being unable to think about anything
being obsessed in other words with that
friend that colleague
not wanting any reminders of them
too because that triggers the grief
especially that's not been worked
through
having nightmares or intrusive thoughts
all of these are possibilities it's not
like you check them all off but you know
my guess is some of these certainly ring
true for all of you and for me as well
okay more symptoms feeling deep
loneliness and longing for the person
you lost
feeling distrustful of others depending
on circumstances feeling unable to
maintain regular activities or full
responsibilities or maybe in some cases
thinking you know I'm able to go home
and enjoy my life
you know whereas this person their
family is no longer able to do that
feeling bitterness about life and
envying other people not affected by
grief
but I think you know ultimately if you
look look at it ultimately everybody has
to deal with this topic
okay let's talk about self-care what are
some things we can do
let yourself grieve
in fact post-traumatic growth I'm
reading an interesting book right now on
the gift of trauma the gift the
unexpected gift of trauma by a
psychoanalyst
and it's it sounds weird but it's
actually makes a lot of sense
post-traumatic growth being able to
embrace
Embrace that pain
and work through it it takes a lot of
courage to do that take time to
experience the feelings
that come with loss let emotions come
and go that emotional pain can be very
hard but it's a basic part of healing an
animal for instance we we talk about
sometimes you know I used to have a
picture of like a a baboon with big long
fangs and an animal gets bit in the wild
for instance and you know say it's a
puncture wound with great you know with
very impressive looking fangs what an
animal will do is that allow that that
that wound the animal that's bitten to
scab over it'll lick it off
and let fresh blood flow deep into the
wound it'll let scab over lick it off
scab over lick it off and sometimes in
dealing with grief I know we always tell
our kids don't pick don't pick I was
told even now as an adult don't pick Dad
it's okay so but also talk about your
experience with people you trust
darn it we need that all right a lesson
from the Redwoods and it kind of relates
to that last part what I just said do
you know redwood trees and why they last
so long they grow in groves
and you know why they grow on Groves is
because they get very shallow root
systems and those roots intertwine with
the other redwoods in a forest allowing
them
what is a strong Windstorm or something
like that
or a bomb Cyclone that's going across
California all the time these days
so there's a lesson we can learn from
that in terms of us we need to be as
connected as we can with people we trust
self-care and grieving people may not
know what you're going through sometimes
you actually have to tell them how you
need them to be there for you
now I remember my niece she was in a PhD
program in Michigan State and she had
Crohn's disease she had she had Ms she
had a couple of other things going on
and she had ports all over her body the
kid had to drop out of the PHD program
brilliant kid she always used to call me
up and call me Uncle Geck is what she
used to call me as a toddler and and so
anyway so she she passed away with her
husband who works in this whole computer
field uh doing what you you do but for
Ball State University in Muncie
and he stayed a member of the family but
she um but she died
and I had to go do memorial service at
the University at University uh it was a
church on the campus there
and on the way over there my
sister-in-law Ruth
said to me I just don't people don't
know what to do they want to help me and
I told Ruth this it's essentially what's
in a slide
you know Ruthie when you're ready there
are times you're going to want to be
alone people will inundate you they'll
bring over food and they'll call you and
they want you to come out and do
something and you may want to be at home
Alone part of that time but don't stay
that way
you're going to have to tell them how
you need them to be there for you
that's an important part of the process
we need each other keeping busy but not
to the point where you're sweeping it
under the rug due purposeful work that
is consistent with your values and folks
I'm an old fart but I'm a firm believer
in exercise
it's important it really is more
self-care
your body needs good food more than ever
you know
good nutrition obviously now the the
next line here I don't want it to get
lost where it says where it's underlined
wait to make major decisions
one of the things we always tell people
in the in the clinical work that I have
done over the years is don't make any
important life decisions when you're
under a lot of stress or you're going
through some sort of a personal crisis
you really need to work through that
before you make those decisions so you
can make the best possible decision take
advantage of your spiritual your
religious beliefs whatever those are you
may find it helpful to call upon your
spiritual beliefs to cope get
professional help if you need it it's
okay I've done that for people who've
wanted to meet with me
um you like to have strategies that have
found you found helpful now that this
last one here I'm going to rephrase it
for you where it talks about strategies
we've all gone through everybody in this
room has stories we all have scars too
don't we
and the thing about those scars is you
know we've learned was something we've
had to deal with that was painful in our
past
in some way but we learned something
things about ourselves along the way
don't we
we learned that this worked for me
I didn't realize I could get through
this but I did looking back on it does
it always work with any future crisis no
but have those strategies draw from your
past what has worked for me what was
helpful who was helpful okay so how to
help
okay understand the stages of grief be
an initiator listen listen listen
don't judge their emotions provide care
continue to check in be patient approach
each person individually
companioning now I'm not going to spend
any time in here because I just looked
at my watch so uh but companioning be
with another person
but just be with them in spirit
we can learn from them and how to help
just be there with them okay now I am
going to read this and I'm going to
conclude with one particular thing about
the importance of purpose so hang with
me
because we got a little bit of a late
start
this is lovely I you can find it online
and I'll just read it to you as for
grief you'll find it comes in waves
when the ship is first wrecked you're
drowning with wrecking gel around you
everything's floating around you remind
you the Beauty and the Magnificent of
the ship that it was and is no more
and all you can do is float barely
afloat you may find a piece of wreckage
and hang on for a while it may be
something physical maybe it's a happy
memory or a photograph
maybe it's a person who's float also
floating for a while all you can do is
is to float to stay alive but in the
beginning the waves are huge just say
they're 100 feet and they crash over you
with Mercy without Mercy they come 10
seconds apart and they don't give you
time to even catch your breath
speaking about grief now
and all you can do is hang on and after
a while maybe weeks later maybe months
the waves are still huge say a hundred
feet
and they'll crash all over you
but but when they come they crash all
over and wipe you and wipe you out but
in between you have a chance to breathe
because these ways are not as frequent
so you never know what's going to
trigger the grief might be a song a
picture
a Street intersection smell of a cup of
coffee it can be just about anything
and the wave can continue to crash but
in between the waves there is life
somewhere down the line it's different
for everybody you'll find the waves are
only 80 feet or maybe 50 feet for you
and while they still come they're still
further apart you can see them coming in
anniversary a birthday Christmas landing
at O'Hare
you can see it coming for the most part
and you prepare yourself and when it
washes over you you know that somehow
you will come again out on the other
side soaking wet sputtering but still
hanging onto some tiny piece of the
wreckage but she'll come out take it
from an old guy that wasn't me some
other old guy the waves never stop
coming and somehow you don't really want
them to but but you leave but you learn
that you survive them and other ways
will come and you'll be surviving them
too if you're lucky you'll have a lot of
scars
from lots of loves
and lots of shipwrecks so
I'm going to conclude with this
particular here and I was talking to
Peter this is actually the front yard of
our our cabin in the upper peninsula a
lot of people want to attribute this to
Victor Frankel but it's actually the
quote comes from Frederick Nietzsche and
I'm going to end with the story because
finding a sense of purpose is so
important to healing and and you know
just moving forward and being resilient
those who have a why to live can survive
almost anyhow you've done a lot of
things obviously you can tell this is a
lot longer presentation than I intended
but we're going to stop right here okay
I'm going to tell you a story
okay so bear with me I don't know where
this was but it was down south happened
in World War II an army Sergeant it was
hot the ground was dry you know and it
was like concrete and hot humid down
south I don't know if any were former
military but the sergeant gets four
violin toads you know what volatiles are
right he gets four volunteers gets a
behind a building and he instructs them
in because it's kind of a hurry to get
this done he said okay man I want you to
dig a hole four feet by four feet by
four feet deep come and get me when it's
done
and of course it's hard work the ground
is so hard
and they do it in a motion for the
sergeant to come over and he looks at
the hole okay man come down here dig
another hole four feet by four feet by
four feet that one takes longer because
they're tired you know and he hadn't
really told them why they're doing these
holes and they both shouldn't come over
he inspects the hole says okay man fill
it up come down here dig a third hole
four feet by four feet by four feet
and they're really beginning to get
frustrated
and you know so they're taking them
longer and longer and again they motion
and come over he looks at it and he says
I'm sorry man I want you to come down
here dig another hole four feet by four
feet by four feet deep one of the
soldiers has had it up to here he slams
down his shovel and he says look you can
court marshall if you want to but this
is stupid why are we doing this
and a sergeant rather than reading the
Riot Act was kind of embarrassed
and he said I owe you men an apology I
never explained to you why we're doing
this
you see there's been an underground gas
leak behind this building and we don't
have the equipment here in the base to
determine where that gas leak is other
than by digging these holes
oh
true story
the last 10 holes took less time to dig
than the first four those men were tired
same crew only one thing had changed
purpose
ladies and gentlemen don't forget
the power of purpose of your purpose
what you're doing is is Noble we need
you so please take care of yourself
thank you for the privilege of your time
God bless
[Applause]
and as they say in Ukraine
what's your purpose
my purpose
is pretty much this
I mean I go to Ukraine I respond to a
lot of crises you know and stuff like
that and what I like to do is I like to
learn from victims you know
um when those horrible things you
respond to and and so that I can
integrate what I've learned what they
often teach me and better equip other
people so I do work a lot in the first
responder world uh going to Ukraine I'm
actually working on a book right now uh
that really looks through a different
set of lenses about all of these things
I've responded to and or vicariously had
to deal with in some way from 9 11 to
Hurricane Katrina on and on and on
because in in some of those cases where
natural disasters are an exception but
where say Las Vegas shooting for
instance or 911 you know I mean
obviously we could you know I'm just
going to use the generic term
it's somebody hating somebody else
or another group of people hating I mean
it could be any group hating another
group but you know what if you if you
pay attention to all of that
all of that destruction all of that pain
all that Brokenness
there's always a phoenix that rises up
out of those ashes is always people who
will respond love always has the final
word
that's my book yeah
is
what's that
well I tell you what uh I forgot to
bring my business cards down here
um
if you can get that information shoot me
an email or whatever and I will be glad
to send you a PDF to the slides
yeah I I do that because I mean it's
obviously you know if this is useful to
you that's that's why I do it
so
let your party begin I mean I'm gonna
stay here as long as you want to talk
but I'm I'm I'm wired now so
anyway thank you guys
foreign
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