Remember the message.
The future is not set.
Viridian Dynamics.
Every day, something we make, makes your life better.
Power.
We make that.
Technology.
We make that.
Cows.
Oh no, we don't make cows.
Although, we have made a sheep.
And medicines.
And airplane engines.
And whatever this is.
And all sorts of things.
Viridian Dynamics.
Every day, something we make, makes your life better.
Usually.
Viridian Dynamics.
Life.
Better.
Life.
Better.
That's what an award show is all about.
When life is better, and we talk about it, and we hand out trophies, and we generally eat expensive food in the name of charity that we really don't donate to.
Welcome to Backwards 48.
It is my distinct honor to introduce myself to you.
I am Dr.
Philmore Selfworth, Ph.D.
All parts of that name must be pronounced.
I am extremely excited to be here with you because, frankly, as awesome as I am, it's a lot less fun unless all of you are here to clap.
Why don't we start with that now?
Thank you.
Ah, wonderful.
Well, we have a very strong tradition here in Backwards 48.
A purpose and mission grounded in self-worth.
Hear, hear.
Me, looking to the left, arms crossed, clearly upset.
Many things are known in this brain, and I'm certainly looking sharp.
It is a fantastic day to be here with you.
And I am extremely excited to have with me by my side Miss Galactic Universe 2029.
Is that a typo?
I assure you, it is not a typo.
There is, in fact, an extremely complicated potline I'm going to walk you through right now.
In 1995, Viridian acquired Cyberdyne Systems.
So you are here, actually, among something you probably know a little bit about called Skynets.
In 2026, TX Cybernetic Android program began.
And that's when my beautiful Galactic Universe first started to appear.
In 2029, Miss Galactic Universe won her pageant.
It really wasn't close, but I think the travel was a little bit difficult moving around the world.
I'm sorry, the universe.
And because we are pioneers as Backwards 29 and making a difference in the world, we were extremely excited in 2030 with Miss Galactic Universe's leadership to pioneer diversity and termination.
It's extremely exciting.
And in 2031, shortly after that amazing win, Backwards 48 contracted, and with the amazing technology of Cyberdyne Systems, with the combined power of Viridian Dynamics, we were able to try and travel and bring her here with you today.
Let's give it up for Miss Galactic Universe.
This show isn't all about me.
Well, yes it is.
But other people paid to be here.
So they also get to be featured.
I'm excited to introduce to you several awards you're going to hear today.
The Visionary Leader of Something for $10,000.
Something wouldn't be significant if it weren't for that $10,000 that makes it visionary.
Very exciting.
We also have an award for the top executive in a very specific area.
Unusually specific , generally.
But to keep it open-ended, we don't bother to specify what that is.
We also have the Regional Leader of Importance.
Again , very unclear why or what they've done, but we're sure it's important and $4,000 says so.
We have the Job Seeker Seeking Attention.
This is a $3,500 spot, but generally because they're out of work, they bartered us down to $2,500.
I had to consume a little self-worth to accept that award.
And then we have the Up and Coming Coming Upper at $1,500.
And I don't know who approved this, but we have an honorable mention for $500, well below our floor.
So, somehow, somebody knew somebody.
So, let's step into this together.
Introducing our first award, the Visionary Leader of Something for the royalty level sponsorship of $10,000.
Let's step into this.
Oh, we're missing sound.
Well, we're throwing leaves.
It's exciting.
We're eating food.
There's a baby.
That's cool.
Is it on my end?
...works for every member of...
Let's try that one more time.
We can't have lasers without actually getting to see them.
That's not fun.
Alright, now we're going to hear the lasers at the same time.
Viridian Dynamics.
We're a family, just like yours.
But we don't...
What happened?
...star time throwing leaves around, we put our family to work.
We mean real work, not just eating mush.
Our Viridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family.
Even the dead ones.
And we're working to bring them back and copy them in case you lose them again.
We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays.
Because that's when families should be together.
Viridian Dynamics.
Family.
Yay.
Without any further ado, I am proud to introduce our award winner, Mary Coffin.
CIO, Internatech Funerals.
Visionary leader of something or other.
Mary Coffin and Internatech specializes in next-gen burial solutions, including AI powered eulogies, eco-friendly coffins that decompose in just the right amount.
And Mary is leading the charge in digital transformation because even the dead need a software update.
Without any further ado, for the wonderful sponsorship of $10,000, let me introduce Mary Coffin.
Good evening.
I hope that many of you have considered not only your own mortality, but that of your loved ones.
We're going to talk a little bit about some strategies here for how you can sell to your loved ones their best afterlife.
So, as was mentioned, we specialize in next-gen burial solutions.
So here's our first strategy.
Upsell until they're dead broke.
You should be selling premium everything.
So as this suggests, velvet lined USB cables for digital memorials and your gold-plated biometric casket locks, because no one should be without that security.
Customization options absolutely no one requests.
These are fabulous ways to upsell to your community.
You know, holographic eulogies with celebrity deepfakes, not the originals, because why would you want that?
Subscription-based grieving.
There is a monthly maintenance fee for digital tombstones.
So therefore, you can put whatever you want in the tombstone, and you can keep it up to date.
But, the best part is, you can sell that subscription and make a few extra bucks for your company.
Don't forget the auto-renewal packages, because, you know, if you're too busy to mourn manually, that is great for somebody with a busy, busy schedule.
Ah, emotional blackmail marketing.
Wouldn't grandma have wanted this platinum urn?
I mean, come on.
If you can't upsell that sort of thing to your folks, you're not even trying.
Don't forget the guilt-based sales tactics.
You know, isn't Uncle Joe worth at least one more upgrade?
I mean, take it from the basic coffin, right?
You can go into the fancier coffins, the metal coffins, the velvet linings.
All of these things can be upsell.
This is my personal favorite.
Don't forget data-driven deception.
If you collect extensive data on your mourners, you can predict their spending habits, and you can sell to more of them as their family members die.
Don't forget the algorithmic-based targeting.
So, you know, based on your browsing history, clearly you loved grandma a lot, and you can keep her around forever in your coffee table and have her be a showpiece for your home.
In conclusion , at Eternitech , we know death is inevitable, but your credit score's demise does not have to be.
Nothing says forever like a payment plan.
Thank you.
Let's give it up for Mary Coffin, and Miss Galactic Universe will present the award.
You have to go through a lot of shit to make it up here, just saying.